dalissa

Bismillah…

Dah lama sgt aku tak jot something here. Actually friendster sendiri pun aku tak masuk. Yep, lots and lots of thing happened and still happening to me lately. Start from beginning of this year. Suppose i be at one particular place rite now. But things happened and I don’t. Tapi tu la, itu la life aku skang.

Kadang2 kita cuba nak jadi yg terbaik utk diri sendiri and other people. But still tak bole nak please suma org kan..  So how? Still nak trying or just quit trying? I don’t know. But the thing is, takkan nak selamanya nak try? Aku pun nak proceed doing something. Not just trying to do something. Bila people urge aku do something which is out of my ‘presciption’, i learn to do it. Tapi tak suma org bole terima yg the fact we still in the process of learning. Sometimes people tak bagi chance pun pada kita utk prove yg kita ni bole. Yes, we need time, but at least we learn. Yang tak bestnya bila kita tau kita betul and still org anggap kita salah. Yang dia tau suma salah tu fingerpoint pada kita and suma org akan anggap yg they doing the very right thing. But the fact is, hanya aku saja yg tau setakat mana “the very right thing” yang dia buat tu. Yeah rite, “the very right thing la sgt”.

Ntah la, 2 3 months ago, I was so comfortable with the situation. Tapi lama2 aku rasa aku tak fit sgt2 dgn situation tu. Ntah la pasai apa, seriously aku tak fit. Aku demands nak do something else pulak. Aku tak bersyukur? Aku bersyukur sgt2. But the thing is, lately apa saja yang aku buat sgt menjadi kesalahan pada dia. Ada saja benda yang tak kena pada dia. Buat salah, tak buat pun salah. Aku mmg tak tau pasai pa. Bored sgt2. Damn bored! Kadang2 rasa cam nak walk away saja. Walk away from them! Tapi tu la, sampai bila nak walk away? Y tak nak fight utk diri sendiri? Y tak nak stand for yourself? Aku asyik tanya soalan tu. But aku sendiri pun actually tak dak gut nak buat cam tu. Cuma now I’m still holding on and still not walk away from all things. Sampai bila? Wallahu’alam.. let HIM decide…

in less than an hour aku dh jadi 26. my my.. tak sangka betul cpt masa berlalu. aku pun tak tau mcm mana aku dh jadi 26 on 26th of Nov. well.. of course, it’s life. we grow.

since dh 26 yrs aku berpijak, bernafas di bumi ALLAH ni, aku selalu reflect balik diri aku sendiri. spnjg masa ni, apa yg aku dh buat utk diri sendiri, utk keluarga n utk surrounding aku.

well, aku dh buat mak n abah proud; get into u, n now dh nak jadi cikgu. tak penah aku pk pun aku akan jadi cikgu. ALLAH pun dh letakkan aku dekt posisi yg sepatutnya. cuma kadang2 aku terlalu byk menyoal. well.. menyoal tu bagus. but if terlalu menyoal, mmg tak bagus.

alamak.. apa yg aku merepek ni.. aku ngantuk la ni. dah ah selsema n batuk aku tak baik2.. dh la kot.. blank gilos..

ok, happy birthday to me! =)

married? hah.. biar betul aku nak ckp pasal ni.. of course it isn’t me. n definitely not going to be me. but at least ppl around me are getting married. gud for them! my exes pun dh n nk kawen. gud for them too! happy for them! really! i’m not trying to coax myself though. well.. life goes on… they found their other halves n that’s it! they’ll walk into the other major step of their life. i’m happy though to know that they are happy.

my ex 5 yrs, my ex 1 yr n my ex fiance; finally they had married/getting married wif someone that honestly n truly for them. me? nah.. not ready though. ntahla.. y hati aku sangat tertutup utk sesiapa. bukan aku trauma, bukan aku mengada, bukan aku phobia; it’s just that i’m not ready. bila aku dh ready; well.. tiba2 saja aku found out he’s letting himself out of me.

tu la dia, aku nak pada yg tak nak. aku tak nak pada yg nak. dia selalu ckp; “terima org yg sukakan kita”. macam mana aku nak terima org yg sukakan aku if hati aku tak ada pada org yg nkkan aku tu.. tak apa la.. maybe jodoh aku belum sampai.. anyway, baru 26 kan.. next year baru 27. abah n mak pun tak bising2. aku pun malas nak sibuk2. lgpun, aku baru nak start. baru sgt2 nak develop career. hmm.. ada tu ada la.. cuma yg aku tau n confirm; bukanla waktu terdekat ni…

well.. the whole house being madness of mamma mia! now. started wif k gee n k linda watched mamma mia! n me n mas watched it midnight (the first ever; call me weirdo, but it was awesome seing midnight movie). n end up wif seha bought the dvd. n me? bought the soundtrack of mamma mia! we are so much down wif mamma mia!

nice movie, nice to see the Bond sing, n Colin Firth sing. actually he got somewhat a better voice than Brosnan.. well don’t get me wrong, the Bond is quite good though.

well.. wif the exam is just round the corner; deviating my focus to something else would be such a release now… go n watch mamma mia!

hmm.. been quite sometimes since i jot something here. being bz? i supposed. tomorrow aku dh start praktikum. well, bila dh nk praktikum baru aku perasan betapa cepatnya masa berlalu. i got here, jan 08. now is june 08 already.. my my.. aku tak sedar sgt2. well, it’s not about the practicum i’m going to talk about. coz no matter how it’s going, i still have to face it; ready or not..

falling.. y falling..? yea.. me myself pun on the quest of discovering the falling. falling yg i’ll never going to get. actually, aku dh try to avoid it, to evade it. but the more i avoid, the more i evade, the closer it be. i know, i’m not suppose to have it. but the thing is, i’m a human. aku tiba2 ja falling. aku tak tau y it happened, how it occured. aku tak sedar bila. cuma dia cukup terlarang pada aku. not only me, to all i guess. of coz, falling isn’t wrong. it just that falling to whom saja yg wrong. it’s totally wrong.

falling for a wrong person, at the wrong time, at the wrong place. complicated. becoming so complicated. i have to quit now. that’s it; i’m quitting…

baru pas dengaq lagu "Can anybody find me somebody to love" by Anne Hatthaway. Huhu… lagu dia simple ja. lirik pun mmg simple. lawak2 sket. sbb aku tgk cara dia nyanyi n nari dlm Ella Echanted.

ermm… pasai pa lak aku mention bout that song.. actually sbb tetiba i need someone lak.. huhu… actually ptg tadi aku quiet down n bila aku roaming dlm phonebook aku nak buat call coz tetiba rasa nak berckp dgn someone.. tub… tiba2.. aku rasa… my god… none! nil! nada! no one yg aku bole called. last aku tidoq ja.. tapi bgn2 pun hati tetap berat ni.. adoi.. cam na la nak buat ni..

dulu masa aku felt down, aku ada la somebody yg aku bole share. but now, bila dh dok sorang2 cam ni, adoi la.. tak dak sapa2 la pulak nak dengaq. dh la aku jenis nk kena crita to make up to myself.

alamak… tiba2 blur lak… nnt la aku cont…

fuh.. at last tu.. y at last? coz asgmts aku yg bulky dh settle. but.. ada lagi nak kena submit this monday n tues. dah la aku p SBE. adoi.. penatnya.. tetaip mlm tidoq kui 4. mlm smlm tidoq kul 5. ahh.. mau collapse aku lama2 mcm ni.. tapi tak pa la kan… tak lama lagi dh.. huhu..

but yg best is.. org yg nyamar aku tu dh tak da.. yea yea.. dh delete dh account penyamaran aku tu.. tu la.. tak dak reja p cari reja.. mcm2 la manusia ni.. aku pun tak berapa nak faham la.. trying to understand y dia buat mcm tu, but yet i can’t.. tapi tak pa.. suma yg berlaku ni mmg sangat2 menguji kesabaran aku.. hehehe.. nak uji kesabaran aku? alamak.. tak dapat la nk buat cam tu.. hanya aku n ALLAH swt saja yg tau betapa sbrnya aku even though mcm2 dh jd pada aku selama hayat aku ni..

n at last.. aku dpt gak bernafas lega.. tarik nafas panjang2.. n lepas.. fuhh.. legaa… mana la nak tau kan, kut2 la.. ini la nafas aku panjang yg terakhir… baeekkk aku nikmati segalanya dulu… wallahu’alam…

cramping tuu.. hee.. sejak2 dh masuk sini hidup aku cam terumbang-ambing ja. kadang2 aku rasa 1 benda pun aku tak faham apa yg aku belajaq. huhu.. dasar slow learner! aku mmg mcm tu dr dulu. but masa kat uni dulu aku rasa aku ok ja. but bila msk sini, cam lain sket environment dia.
ya la kan, dulu amik 5 6 subject 1 sem. aku la ni amik 17 subject. maunya aku tak cramp ari2. cramp otak, cramp jiwa, cramp kaki, cramp tangan.. ah.. suma2 la..

dh la aku asyik cramping ja la ni.. then di tambah pulak tekanan2 dr pihak2 yg aku rasa tak perlu appear pun dlm hidup aku.. dah.. tetiba ja aku tergamam bila org2 ni mai dlm hidup aku. aku pun tak tau la pasai pa time cam ni depa mai. awat tak ari tu? waktu aku tgh free gila2? waktu aku amik 3 subject ja kat oum. but now, tetiba ja depa mai.. bertambah2 tekanan pada aku. depa mmg tak kesiankan org lain. aku pun tak tau mana depa letak sifat kemanusiaan yg patut depa ada dlm diri. as adults, they should know what is rite n what is wrong.

dah la tu.. aku penat sangat2. aku byk reja sgt2. la ni aku mmg nak focus pada study. tak grad pulak aku satgi. aku perlukan byk masa n otak aku utk study aku. bila depa2 mai, aku rasa tak best sgt hidup aku. especially this one particular person. aku pun tak tau apa niat dia. dia buatkan aku tak leh tido lena mlm2. aku nangis dlm diam tiap2 mlm. aku asyik ingat pada dia. apa la salah aku pada dia.. apa la dia buat aku rasa mcm ni skang.. apa la yg dia dpt dr buat aku mcm ni..

aku selalu pujuk hati aku “ini dugaan dari ALLAH. DIA nak aku jd kuat” tapi tu la.. aku pun manusia biasa jugak. waktu aku rasa susah, aku mmg sgt2 tak perlukan suma ni.. ntahlah.. hmm.. wallahu’alam..

well… i think i need to wake up..

y.. pasai apa i need to wake up..? sbb bila bgn pagi ni.. aku baru realize apa yg jadi dlm hidup aku lately cam tak best sgt.. i’m not talking about my career coz it’s really blooming now.

i’m talking about another perspective of my life. guys that appear in my life. well.. it’s true.. maybe it is too early utk aku put on hope to anybody. it’s damn early. i was just trying to move on with my life. but still.. i’m failing it. rupanya aku tak pandai nak choose what’s the best for me. really..

now, at this moment, aku rasa mcm a looser in a relationship. yg aku jumpa, org2 yg either just nak amik kesempatan; no matter what kind of it, or just nak gunakan aku, or just playing around.. oopss.. sat, no need to comment sbb aku tak jumpa the right person. yep.. aku tau sgt.. i’m 25 maa.. not 15.. aku tau, selagi the very right person hasn’t come, that’s it.. i’m still in this kind of situation. tak dak yg berubah.

aku tau bila depa tgk my pics, they have put on expectation. they expect that i’m as beautiful as my pic. but i’m not.. i’m really not. aku really berbeza dgn gmbr2 aku dlm fs ni.. aku tau tu. but that is me.. no matter what, it is still me.. n bcoz of my pics.. aku realize yg actually they like me bcoz of my pics.. n not bcoz of me.. n i’ve been dumped as always…

so i think i need to wake up.. sedar diri.. sbb aku tau sapa diri aku yg sebenarnya.. don’t lie to me.. sbb i met a lot of guys before.. i know what they feel about me.. nil, nada, empty everytime they meet me..

enuff bubbling.. need to run… solat…

kenapa aku buang post2 aku yg sebelum2 ni..? thx utk suma org yg bg comment pada aku. aku hargai sgt2 ke atas kata2 semangat korang suma. but.. this is the thing.. aku dah tak mau lagi nak ingat benda2 yg lalu n aku dah buang segalanya yg lalu. betul, aku tak mau ingat lagi benda yg lama. utk pertama kalinya, aku btul2 berani n mau sgt2 melangkah ke satu alam yg baru iaitu alam yg mana tiada lagi kenangan dgn yg lama, tiada lagi bayangan wajah itu n tiada lagi apa2 tentang dia. abis! finish! aku dh tak mau lagi ingat suma tu.

aku nak cipta hidup baru sbb besday aku pun x berapa ari lagi. bila dh capai umur baru sepatutnya aku pun turut menjadi baru. hmm.. betui. aku tak mau lagi nangis mlm2 sbb org lain. tak mau teringat2 pada org yg bencikan aku. aku nk padam suma memori. aku akan usaha sampai berjaya. sbb aku dh malas nak ingat pasai benda2 yg merepek yg jadi pada aku. btul2 dh malas dan bosan. betapa aku menyesal dengan suma yg terjadi pada aku spjg thn ni. macam mana pun aku percaya dengan ketentuan Tuhan. Dia yg tahu segalanya.wallahu a’lam..